Client: "Hey Doc - I've got a yearling longhorn bull that broke a horn and I need your help."
Dr. T: "Ok, go ahead and bring him in and we'll lop that sucker off and get him fixed up."
Client: "Welllll....I was kinda hoping you'd help me fix the horn. I saw some stuff online about rebar and cast material that looks like it'll work."
Dr. T: "Oh. Hmm. I've never done that before or seen it done, so I guess we'll just have to figure something out."
Client: "Just google it. I'll be there in about an hour."
Client: "Yes, um, is this Dr. Thompson?"
Dr. T: "Close enough, yes. What can I do for you?"
Client: "Oh, I just have a question. My cat really needs a bath. What can kind of shampoo can I use to bathe him?"
Dr. T: "Ok. Is this an emergency?"
Client: "No ma'am. I hate to bother you about something like this, but my cat really needs a bath."
Dr. T: "Is your cat just dirty or does he have a wound or something you're trying to clean?"
Client: "Well, that's kindof a long story. You see, my son ran him over a month ago, and he did have some places that came up and busted open with pus an all, but I don't think he has any wounds anymore."
Dr. T: "Ummm. Ok. Had he ever been seen by a vet for his injuries after being hit by a car?"
Client: "No ma'am. Actually, he ran away a couple of weeks ago, and I thought he was dead. But then he popped back up and now he's living in my bedroom. He really needs a bath."
Dr. T: "Huh. Ok. Well any gentle pet shampoo will work, but you'll need to make sure there are no wounds anywhere, and if there are, they'll need to be cleaned and shaved. He may need to be on antibiotics."
Client: "Oh, ok. I can do all that. I just needed to know what kind of shampoo to use."
Client (hysterical): "Oh! My little dog is just shaking and drooling!!! Please help me! Please, Please!!!"
Dr. T: "Is this Kristen, by any chance?"
Client (hysterical): "Yes! How did you know??? Please come over and help my dog! You must not have examined him good today when I brought him in for losing his hair, because now he's so sick!!! You need to come over here!!"
Dr. T: "Ok, Kristen. Calm down. You need to tell me what's going on. Rascal was fine when you brought him in today, he had a flea allergy. We treated him for fleas several hours ago and he was doing fine. Now, what exactly have you done since you brought him home?"
Client (hysterical): "Oh he's so sick!!! You need to be coming over here this MINUTE!"
Dr. T: "Kristen, if he needs to be seen, you'll have to bring him to the office. Now, what have you done since you've been home?"
Client (hysterical): "I can't bring him in! I'm too worked up to drive! You have to come here!!!"
Dr. T: "Calm down and listen to me. I can't do anything for him at your house if he's really sick. You need to tell me what happened since you've been home."
Client (hysterical): "Well you told me, you know, that he had fleas and that fleas lay eggs in the house and that I needed to vacuum and wash his bed and all. But I couldn't bear the thought of those fleas being in the house, so I went to the store and got some Raid."
Dr. T: "Ok, Kristen, did I say anything about using pesticides or a flea killer?"
Client (hysterical): "No. Well, no, I guess you didn't. Anyway, I soaked his bed and his playpen I put him in during the day and all the other places he likes to lay with the Raid. I just couldn't stand the thought of those FLEAS! PLEASE come help my little dog!"
Dr. T: "Kristen. He's having a reaction to the Raid you sprayed everywhere. You need to give him a bath right now."
Client (hysterical with voices in the background): "A BATH!??!?! I CAN'T DO THAT!!! I need help! You need to come here and give him a bath for me! I can't! I can't!"
Dr. T: "Yes, you can. He's a three pound maltese. You can put him in the kitchen sink and give him a bath. It will be easy. You can do it. Just put him in the sink and turn on the water."
Client (hysterical with voices in the background): "I CAN'T DO IT! YOU NEED TO COME HERE!!!"
Dr. T: "I hear people with you, is someone else there I can talk to?"
Client (hysterical): "It's just my husband and daughter."
Dr. T: "Can one of them give him a bath?"
Client (hysterical): "No! Well, I don't know. I don't think so. What kind of shampoo should I use??"
Dr. T: "I don't care. Just give him a bath. Give him a bath right now."
Client (hysterical): "I can't keep holding him when he's like this. I'm putting him back in his playpen."
Dr. T: "NO!!! You just sprayed that with Raid! You need to wash EVERYTHING you sprayed with Raid and GIVE YOUR DOG A BATH RIGHT NOW!!!"
Client (hysterical): "I can't do it! I can't!"
Dr. T: "Ok. Kristen. Bring him in right now and I will bathe him. There's an emergency fee."
Client (hysterical): "I can't afford no EMERGENCY FEE! I TOLD you, I got ROBBED last week. That's why I couldn't pay for the office visit when I came in earlier today!"
Dr. T: "Alright. I'm done with this conversation now. GIVE YOUR DOG A BATH. DO NOT PUT HIM ANYWHERE YOU SPRAYED RAID. Call me if there are any more problems."
Client (hysterical): "Oh, gosh. He's going to have to stay in the garage. He doesn't like it in there. He'll cry all night. Will he be ok? Oh, gosh. I'm going to have to call my groomer.......RANDY!!! Call WANDA!!! *Click*"
Client (hysterical): "This is Kristen! You know that new puppy I got? The one that has the heart murmur and the open fontaneeel?"
Receptionist: "Hi, Kristen. Yes. What do you need?"
Client (hysterical): "It's busted open! Her soft spot is swollen up!! Her head is going to explode!!!"
Receptionist: "Ok, Kristen. Bring her in and one of the vets will take a look at it."
Client (hysterical): "I can't! I hurt my back and can't drive! They'll have to come here!!!"
Receptionist: "There will be a housecall fee, Kristen. But Dr. Wilson will come see you now."
Client (hysterical): "Her head! It's swelling! It's all red!! Hurry!"
Actual problem, according to Dr. W: a very small blood blister on top of head where a barrette was placed too close to the skin.