Monday, January 30, 2012

The internet makes me paranoid...

Everyone at work has been under the weather lately, out of sorts, etc., and I was terribly proud of myself and the little munchkin I carry around for not getting sick...

And then...I was on call this past weekend...and a doozy of a weekend it was, too. 

When I woke up yesterday morning, I had the creeping suspicion that something was not quite right.  By 3 o'clock, I felt like my enteric world was crashing around me and when I looked in the mirror, I saw this horrible looking shell of myself, complete with dark circles under my eyes, droopy hair and manure/blood plastered clothing.  Gross.  By 9:30pm I was sure that I wouldn't survive.  At ten, after 12 hours of work, I dragged myself through the house, hit the shower and then meekly and thankfully said hello to my pillow and lay next to my oblivious, sleeping, dear of a husband who had been out of town all weekend and who was out like a light before I even got home yesterday.

This morning, I knew.  I woke up, fed everyone, and promptly went back to bed.  As of right now, I have successfully eaten 12 saltine crackers and am shocked that little munchkin-head has had the energy to kick the tar out of my already unhappy intestines this morning.  After I get through with this, I'm going back to bed.

So, that was likely more information than you cared to know.  But all that background information was necessary because, well...am I the only one who has strange dreams and thinks unusual, yet seemingly clear thoughts when she's sick?  I mean, don't things just dawn on you that you never imagined before when you're under the weather?

Ok, for instance.  I dreamed that instead of giving birth to a bouncing baby girl, I dreamed that I birthed six beagle puppies and quite enjoyed myself.  The delivery room was full of friends and family and I was playing scrabble the whole time I delivered, I think.  I remember saying to my mother, "what's the big deal about all this childbirth stuff?  They're so little, I didn't even feel a thing!"

I blame this dream on the c-section I had to do last night.

Ok, second for instance, how is it that the internet knows me so well?  I mean, I truly think the internet is stalking me - every time I get on Facebook, I see ads about maternity scrubs and babysitters.  When I'm looking through websites on Google, even on the computers at work there are websites that pop up and ads that say things like, "Did you remember to take your vitamins today?  Check out Walgreens..." and actually, no, I didn't remember to take my vitamins today.  Thank you, Google, for reminding me.

I don't really like it.  What happened to the simpler days, you know, back when the computer was mostly for playing Tetris and Solitaire and composing documents without having to use white out and typewriter tape?  For that matter, why do we feel the need to be accessible every moment of the day, have phones that not only allow people to find us when we do not want to be found, but email, text, tweet and God knows what else when we could be doing something more edifying - like reading a book or taking a nap?  I think the world was a lot more peaceful back when...back before the internet knew I was pregnant and had forgotten to take my prenatal vitamins.

However, my point is basically moot.  I am a glaring hypocrite for writing this blog while at the same time wishing I could throw all of my phones in the yard and allow them to become play toys for my overly-destructive dogs.  Not to mention, some good things come out of the internet, after all.  

At any rate.  I blame all this on being sick.  I'll less philosophical tomorrow, I promise...but that does not mean that I will answer my phone if I don't have to.

Friday, January 20, 2012

I know she understands me...

Happy Friday morning, friends.  I'm here, smelling my half-pot of decaf brew - the half-pot that I will probably decide I don't really want anymore after it's done brewing.  Maybe it's just the smell I like.  I don't know - do babies smell en utero?  I don't think so.  The baby book says I should be eating good-for-me things like bananas right now because homegirl is developing her sense of taste and she can taste the stuff I'm eating (weird) but so far the munchkin is only going to like clementines, ice cream and pasta.  I think I can accept this because in no way shape or form do I want a freaking banana.  Plus, she kicks more when I've just had some ice cream, so...double bonus.

Anyway, I had planned to be gone by now this morning on a mysterious shopping trip.  I still don't know what I intended to buy when I announced to ARay last night that I would be needing my car for the day.  When I think of it now, I envision things to purchase like:  a new car, a live-in maid/nanny (although I don't think you can find those in the mall), plane tickets to Venice, and the good green curry from the Thai restaurant 45 minutes away from here.  Ok, so only the curry is mildly attainable, which saddens me but oh well.  It's my day off.  Magical things happen on such an elusive day like a day off.  Today,  I could conceivably see unicorns romping around in the front yard with George and Bella (and Gidget, who is in much trouble after crapping on the carpet that I wish I had the maid to clean for me).  I could read Pride and Prejudice again cover to cover and it be just like the first time I ever read it.  See, I can dream unattainable dreams on a day like today and imagine that they could come true.  It's a delightful thing.

It makes me think of the people who dream unattainable dreams every day.  They think of them as reality, and I know this race of people because I take care of their animals.  They are the people who say things like:

"Oh, Sophie and I discussed her staying here tonight after her surgery is over.  She's ok with it, and I know because she blinked twice at me after our little talk.  That's her way of saying 'I understand.'"

"I'm not even going to worry about the surgery, Doc.  I know you can save Sugarplum.  I mean, yes, I know you just told me that she has a bleeding splenic mass and could die on the surgery table, but you're going to be successful in surgery because you have to.  There is no other option, because you understand that if Sugarplum does not live, I will not be able to live, and the thought of that will haunt you forever.  Or Sugarplum would haunt you forever.  Whichever."

"But Dr. T, the lump on kitty only popped up last night!  There's just no way it's an ulcerated malignant tumor!  You're crazy for saying it's probably been there for longer than I knew.  There has been a place on  her that started bleeding and smelling really bad for the past few months, but it was just a rash, not a tumor!  AND I have been putting burnt motor oil on it and bluecoat spray!  That's what my brother's uncle told me to do - he said it would cure her rash!" 

"What do you mean that cow has had a dead calf in her for three or four days???  I check my cows EVERY NIGHT, doc.  I would have KNOWN if she was in labor.  You're plum crazy wrong.  She wasn't supposed to have her calf until FEBRURARY anyway!  Don't tell me that I don't know what's goin' on with my cows."

"Cheeto is a BOY??  What do you mean Cheeto is a boy???  I told you, Cheeto is a GIRL.  I don't care if you went in to spay her and she had no uterus and it turned out that she had testicles instead.  Cheeto is the prettiest, lovie-est, sweetest little girl cat that ever lived!"


So I'm going to live like my clients today and believe that my cat understood me when I told him, for the millionth time, "Do NOT eat the fern!  It's toxic!  You're just going to puke it all up in five minutes anyway!"  instead of simply choosing self-preservation after I chucked a pen at him while he munched on the leaves and thus ran under the dining room table to hide. 


...and I'm going to believe that I could just walk onto the lot at a Jeep dealership and I could get a Rubicon for free.  Yep.  Unicorns in my front yard too.  I believe.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

What they say vs. what they mean

It's Saturday afternoon, and I'm not on call, which means I'm prepping myself for a gorgeous afternoon of: falling asleep to a movie, hanging out in bed with little Trippers and the Gidge, eating ice cream for supper and not feeling bad about it, and thinking about which names baby girl will not blame me for when she's all grown up.  I'm pumped.

In the meantime, I feel like it's about time to play a rousing game of "What they say vs. what they mean" since it's been about a year since we've done that last, and incidentally, it feels like it's been about a year since I posted last.  So, without further ado:

1.  " Doc, I got this here rabbit dog, and I've been worming it with that there panasonic wormer you gave me for my other dog, but she's still got these short little worms comin' out."  Supposed meaning for "panasonic wormer" - Panacur, which doesn't treat tapeworms, which is what that there rabbit dog was suffering from.

2.  "Hey now, you think you could teach me how to do that pregnancy checkin' on my own cows?  I really think I could palpitate if I knew what I's doin'."  Supposed meaning for "palpitate" - palpate.  As in, rectally palpate cattle.

3.  "Oh, don't worry.  My I'll pay my bill, I mean, I've known Mash forever and he said there's no problem with me charging that $200 to my account.  I'll pay it here next month or the month after that when my disability check comes in.  I'm on a fixed income, you know."  Supposed meaning for "Mash" - Nash, as in our boss and the practice owner.  Oh and Jessica loves the "I'm on a fixed income" excuse, since, as a general rule, everyone is on a fixed income - we all know much money we'll have from month to month, but it's up to you to figure out how to manage it, not our office manager.

4.  "Yes ma'am.  I've got a llama that is having difficulty breathing and I was wondering if you could see her tonight.  I can bring her right in."  Actual meaning for "bring her right in" - walk llama into a mini-van and drive 45 minutes up the mountain.  If the makers of the Honda Odyssey only knew what their vehicles were capable of, they would be advertizing this mess.  Not only that, but the transport occurred on New Year's Eve, and there was a traffic stop just outside Sparta as you came down the mountain to the clinic.  I can only imagine what the good law enforcement officers of Alleghany Co. thought of 3 people and one llama comfortably seated in a minivan.

photo credit
5.  "What on earth can I do about little Fartkin's bad breath, Doc?  I've tried everything.  I've been looking for those little greenthings that are supposed to brush their teeth, but they ain't at the dollar store."  Supposed meaning for "greenthings" - Greenies!  Gidget received her first fan mail after she fell off the front porch and got lost before Christmas.  When we were reunited, we were both happy, I because you just don't take away a 5 month pregnant woman's dog, and she because she got a whole box of Greenies from an old friend who does PR for the company.  And they really do freshen her breath.  No kidding.