So...I did a vulvoplasty on a Holstein heifer today (don't google image that one...trust me). I never thought I'd be doing a surgery that technically could be classified as...plastic.
Maybe I should change professions.
Maybe I should become the first practicing plastic surgeon in Alleghany Co. I could do it, you know. I really could! I could regale my high-class patients with stories about my former days as a cow vet!
Maybe not. I don't think plastic surgeons hose down their "muddy" boots before they go into restaurants and blow dry their "muddy" knees in the bathroom so they don't look quite so..."muddy." I'm grateful for with bathrooms with both a paper towel dispenser and hand dryer. It's so kind.
Well. My non-plastic surgeon self was on call this weekend...and as always, I had some rather interesting conversations with clients. Here's a fun one from Sunday night:
Dr. T: "So, tell me what's going on with Fluffkins this evening."
Client: "Well, she was sitting on the loveseat with me. And she...well, she fell off. And then she twitched just a tiny bit, but that was just for a second. And then she started drooling, but she's quit now."
Dr. T: "Ok. How has she been doing since then?"
Client: "She's pretty much normal now. But I was so scared! Why would she just fall off the couch?! Did she have a seizure?"
Dr. T: "I don't think so, unless it was a very mild seizure. Has everything else been normal for her today? Is she eating and drinking like usual?"
Client: "No! Now I can't get her to drink anything! I mean, I've tried to get her to drink plain water, then I put some ice in it (she likes that), and she wouldn't drink it...I even offered her some coffee and she wouldn't drink that either!"
Dr. T: "Hmm, well, that's probably a good thing. Coffee is actually toxic to dogs and cats."
Client: "What?!?!? We give Fluffkins coffee every morning! She's had it ever since she was a tiny puppy!"
Dr. T: "Well, considering that we don't really know what's going on with her right now, you may want to decide to hold off on the coffee and try to avoid giving her any in the future."
Client: "Really? Gosh, I don't know if we can do that. I mean...she's a real b**** if she doesn't get her coffee in the morning."
Maybe if I become an animal plastic surgeon (I'm sure they exist), I can start offering this as a neuter option. You know, so they have something to lick...