Monday, May 23, 2011

Just call me Dr. 28675

So...I did a vulvoplasty on a Holstein heifer today (don't google image that one...trust me).  I never thought I'd be doing a surgery that technically could be classified as...plastic.

Maybe I should change professions.

Maybe I should become the first practicing plastic surgeon in Alleghany Co.  I could do it, you know.  I really could!  I could regale my high-class patients with stories about my former days as a cow vet!

Maybe not.  I don't think plastic surgeons hose down their "muddy" boots before they go into restaurants and blow dry their "muddy" knees in the bathroom so they don't look quite so..."muddy."  I'm grateful for with bathrooms with both a paper towel dispenser and hand dryer. It's so kind.



Well.  My non-plastic surgeon self was on call this weekend...and as always, I had some rather interesting conversations with clients.  Here's a fun one from Sunday night:

Dr. T:  "So, tell me what's going on with Fluffkins this evening."

Client:  "Well, she was sitting on the loveseat with me.  And she...well, she fell off.  And then she twitched just a tiny bit, but that was just for a second.  And then she started drooling, but she's quit now."

Dr. T:  "Ok.  How has she been doing since then?"

Client:  "She's pretty much normal now.  But I was so scared!  Why would she just fall off the couch?!  Did she have a seizure?"

Dr. T:  "I don't think so, unless it was a very mild seizure.  Has everything else been normal for her today?  Is she eating and drinking like usual?"

Client:  "No!  Now I can't get her to drink anything!  I mean, I've tried to get her to drink plain water, then I put some ice in it (she likes that), and she wouldn't drink it...I even offered her some coffee and she wouldn't drink that either!"

Dr. T:  "Hmm, well, that's probably a good thing.  Coffee is actually toxic to dogs and cats."

Client:  "What?!?!?  We give Fluffkins coffee every morning!  She's had it ever since she was a tiny puppy!"

Dr. T:  "Well, considering that we don't really know what's going on with her right now, you may want to decide to hold off on the coffee and try to avoid giving her any in the future."

Client:  "Really?  Gosh, I don't know if we can do that.  I mean...she's a real b**** if she doesn't get her coffee in the morning."



Maybe if I become an animal plastic surgeon (I'm sure they exist), I can start offering this as a neuter option.  You know, so they have something to lick...

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Springtime in the country

Lately, we've been leaving our windows open to allow the spring breezes in, which I absolutely love.

But, that also means, since our lovely dog, Bella, decided to tear out all the window screens within paw's-reach, we sometimes get...bugs.   After all, we do live in a veritable wilderness out here (Ginna, I promise there will be no bugs when you come to visit in the fall).


Michelle in bed next to ARay:  Um, what's that crawling on the ceiling?

ARay, half-asleep:  What?  I don't see anything.

Michelle in bed next to ARay:  You can't see anything because your stupid eyes are closed.  LOOK!

ARay, half-asleep:  ...(grumble)...I don't know, it's just a spider.

Michelle in bed next to ARay:  GET UP GET UP GET UP!  KILLLL IT!

ARay, half-asleep:  No.  It's fine.  It'll be gone in a minute.

Michelle in bed next to ARay:  ...(tussle, punch, poke, pinch)...GETUPPPPPPP!  You can reach it still!  Quick!  Before it's too late and you have to go get a chair to reach it!

ARay, half-asleep:  ...(clumsily stands up in the bed)...why do you even care?  You aren't scared of spiders.

Michelle in bed next to ARay:  ...(sigh of satisfaction)...I know.  But did you know that the average American swallows something like five spiders in their sleep over the course of their lifetime?  I don't think I could have fallen asleep knowing that spider might have been one of my five.

ARay, half-asleep:  Um.  Ok.

Michelle in bed next to ARay:  Thanks!  Love you!  Goodniiiiight!

Aaron Ray in a bowtie!  Can you believe it??  He just looked so snazzy at Carrie and Andrew's wedding.

Friday, May 6, 2011

It's that time again!

Tonight, I have pulled out every semi-decent outfit I have to my name (Aaron Ray warily watched me do this from the bed...I wonder if he counted how many trips I made from the closet to the master bath, and then into the guest bath because the mirror is longer).  I have painted my toenails and fingernails (looks like a three year old did it) because there's no nail salon in town.  Unfortunately, I forgot how painstaking the painting-of-the-nails process is for me...which means I didn't block out enough time to do it, and now I'm stuck with them, no matter how crappy...

All because:

This adorable girl is getting freaking MARRIED on Saturday!(!!!)

OH my goodness.

I can hardly believe it.

I have been looking forward to this event since forever, but especially since about six days ago, when I was on call in Alleghany Co.; dreaming about Mecklenburg Co. and all the festivities I will be part of.  Each day, the desire to make the jaunt down I-77 got stronger and stronger as the clients I talked with got more and more...entertaining....yes, that's a good word.

Exhibit A:

Emergency phone call:  "Um, I have a question.  My puppy just dug up some rats that my neighbor poisoned and ate them.  What do I do?"

Dr. Tompkins answer:  "Well, you need to make him puke.  Give him an ounce of hydrogen peroxide."

Client on the phone: "Ok.  How many times can I give it?  I mean, how will I know when to stop giving him peroxide?"

Dr. Tompkins answer: "Um...(long pause)...when he throws up the rats.  You should bury them deeper next time."

Exhibit B:

Client on the phone:  "Will you help me with something?"

Dr. Tompkins:  "Well sure, what can I do for you?"

Client on the phone:  "Ok, well my neighbor bred his PitBull to a Wolf-mix dog.  So, that would make the puppies 50 percent Pitbull, like, um, 25 percent wolf, and like...um...33 percent something else, right?"

Dr. Tompkins:  "Well, not exactly, but go ahead."

Client on the phone:  "Um, well, do you think there are any like, concerns with having a puppy from that litter?"

Dr. Tompkins:  "Actually, yes.  I have some real concerns about puppies from that litter."

Client on the phone:  "Oh, ok.  Well, so you think it's a bad idea to breed a Pitbull and a Wolf-mix?"

Dr. Tompkins:  "Um.  Yes.  I'm worried about the aggressive tendencies of having a dog like that.  Other people would be too; for instance, you will never get homeowners insurance owning a dog like that"

Client on the phone:  "Oh, that's ok.  I don't have insurance anyway.  I live in my aunt's brother's cousin's boyfriend's niece's house, and they don't care."

Exhibit C:

Doughnuts?


Nooo.   Don't be silly Dr. T:


Baby 'possum!

Yes, Megan (best receptionist in the world) took baby 'possum to the "'Possum Lady" who rehabilitates opossums.  I had no idea anyone would be even remotely interested in such a hobby.  Apparently, I should have just assumed.

With that, I'm off to bed so I can get up early and make the drive I know so well!  Helloooooo Queen City!!